20 years ago today – for Yarden

I should be haemorrhaging blood

Through my ears,

Screaming in agonizing pain,

Howling in sadness;

But 20 years have passed

Since I wrapped you last

in that soft striped yellow sheet

and they took you away.

 

Pain subsides over time.

Not at first, but

Gradually, like surf after a storm,

After a tsunami, a typhoon, a hurricane

Katrina

At first it’s ruins and disaster

Misery

The world an altered reality.

 

Eventually, waves no longer crash

With fury, but damage remains

The basement still flooded

The mildew creeping up the walls

And not wanting to do anything

At all

To fix it.

 

Years pass. Decades. I still weep

hard, at other people’s funerals

I still ache in the depths,

In my heart.

My body feels an emptiness

It can’t replace.

But

 

There is life

Out here, in my world

Laughter and nonsense

And many other gifts you granted me,

When I became your mom.

There is sea and sun

 

Friendships,

Inner wisdom,

Tranquility, perspective.

I share my daily being:

You inside of me

And me inside the world.

 

Audrey Gran Weinberg

For my son, Yarden Weinberg 1994-1998