Bring it on!

bed stand

Is it already 2019? How do the years jump past so fast?
Is this a poem or a post?
Is my brain on overdrive or overwork?
Will the sound of a train in the distance elicit sweet memories or trauma?

Everything is questionable.
Nothing is certain.
I woke up this morning to a sweet sensation of connection
And peacefulness.
And immediately questioned how long that would last.
I had dreams upon dreams
But they all slipped away.

I called the therapist
But she doesn’t have time
Yet
And the Company Doctor
can see me on Friday, is that a small yay?

One minute I think ‘all is fine, I can do this’
Next minute I’m choked up and my brain is buzzing.
My ears are warm
My heart is pumping
My eyes are blurring – it could be the contacts – they should be changed soon.

I read through my inbox just now.
Searching desperately for word from the Happy Goddessa who promises me that in 21 days I’ll have positive change. But her email isn’t here, and I don’t know
if I have the energy to fix her bugs.
I can hardly fix my own.

The meditation for sleep last night worked wonders
Along with the purple sleeping pill
And my newly decorated bed stand.
And no TV time, for a change.
No binging.
Just reading.
Helping myself to get to a good place.

What’s wrong with you, Audrey?
That gremlin shouts.
Just do what you have to.
Have to
Should
Need to
They are suffocating me – all these obligations.
I have an overpowering need to break free
To do something completely different
For a change.

But it’s so stormy outside,
I don’t dare face the weather.
I turn up the heat and drink tea
And coffee
And a smoothie
And think about going out.
And I do some of what I have to do.
I read my mails.
Most of my mails.
Some I ignore.
Some I can’t handle.
Thankfully, the battery on my laptop dies. It’s a respite.

There are too many questions.
Too many people with too many needs
Requests, more obligations.
Things to do.
They can carry me under
Like the undertow
On a sunny day,
When you think that
All is fine
And go out for a swim
In the warm, calm waters
But then…

Can’t return to shore, no matter how hard you try
Can’t shout because no one is listening.
Or if they hear you, they don’t understand what the problem is.
After all, you’re a great swimmer, aren’t you?

The chest is achy. Not the chest. It’s mine.
My chest. There’s a brick on top of it.
I’m stuffed with stuffing.
I’m a turkey roast
But not as tasty.

Turkey roasts just wait to be roasted
And carved
And eaten.
I hate waiting, so that can’t be me.

Crisis occurs when things need to change.
Okay, I’m ready.
Here I am.
Bring

            it

                   on.

Emailitis: The allergy that has no cure!

Sorry April Fools Day, but it’s no laughing matter!

Earlier this week I was downstairs in the living room, watching Netflix, when I got an email from my husband, who was upstairs in our bedroom. He wanted to set a time to meet with our tax advisor. It wasn’t the first time that he’d sent me an email, instead of talking to me face to face. Now, you should know that my husband and I are definitely on talking terms. In fact, we really have good conversations – about everything. We see each other daily, share a house, a bedroom, etc. I stomped upstairs, and before opening the bedroom door, took a few deep breaths to calm myself.  Although it wasn’t the first time he or I told each other something via email, this time it felt like the last straw in a labyrinth of emails that I just can’t seem to escape.

Please cut me off!

My work email now has a bright red warning on it that I’ve reach my quota and soon I will be unable to send mail.

email Screenshot 2018-04-01 19.55.07

You know what, Microsoft Outlook and school server, I eagerly await that day! Please cut me off!  Every time a colleague wants to inform us of what they are doing – it’s done by email. Same for the management, and the students think that they can send emails to ask anything from ‘What time is our lesson?’ (It’s on the schedule!) to ‘Why did you give me this grade?” (Read my elaborate feedback form!)

Oh Fatherly (newsletter) – leave me alone!

Like my many emails from school aren’t enough, I’ve got 2 private email accounts – a gmail account for my life coaching and Intuitive painting classes, and a ‘regular’ private account, which I recently changed since the previous one was so full of spam that I could never find my ‘real’ email messages.  Why I ever started getting newsletters from Fatherly, for example, is beyond me. And why can’t I unsubscribe? No clue.

 

When we started using email, it seemed so miraculous… Friends and family could be contacted the same day, without the crazy costs of a phone call. Nowadays, a phone call is so much easier than a bunch of back and forth emails that waste my time and that of the person I’m talking to, but most of us don’t do that any more. We don’t want to disturb the other person by intruding on them with a voice call. Hello, I’m drowning here in emails!

Tip: Read mail LIFR (last in, first read)

When I read my emails from work, which I have learned to do only twice a day maximum, when I can actually answer them, I read them last to first. That way, half of them are already answered. For example:

  • First email (from a student): Sunday @9:45 pm. “Do you know when we are meeting for our mentor meeting?”

  • Second email: Sunday @11 pm. “I don’t know why you’re not answering me, I have been waiting for an hour already.”
  • Second email: @11:15 pm. “Oh, wait, I’ve found the email you sent last week. It’s on Monday, (tomorrow), at 12:00, right?”
  • Third email (which I’ve read last, thankfully): Sunday @01:30 am. “I’m sorry but I won’t be able to make this meeting, as I have a driving class tomorrow. Sorry for the late notice, but you didn’t answer my emails earlier.”

Grrrr.

I don’t know what to do at this point in my life with the mountains of emails or how to get out of the labyrinth. Do you? In the past, when I worked in customer service, I’d get a similar pile of emails per day, and after I had read them, and answered them, I’d have done my job. But nowadays, it’s not an integral part of ‘my job’ to solve problems via email. The majority of my work is done on my feet, meeting students face-to-face, in class. Apart from that, I prepare lessons, I correct homework reports, I design new courses. My job doesn’t actually entail email correspondence. Except that it does.

Email has become an allergy that makes us all itch with irritation and like that allergy that you have but don’t know what’s causing it – it’s not easy to get rid of. If you really want to talk to me, better pick up the phone or wait to see me face to face, cause I’m happy to go fast forward to the good ol’ days before we were enslaved by all these piles of ‘You’ve got mail.’