Golden egg of protection

golden egg

Remember my picture from last week, about my inner rebel?

Well, here it is again, but this time with a Golden Egg around it, thanks to the daily meditations I’ve been listening to, from the Happy Goddessa!

Thank you, Galitta! I think that the Golden Egg meditation, from your Happiness Challenge, helped me get through this very busy week, so far!

Starting the day with a 7-minute meditation – for two weeks already – is a real change for me, especially as I tend to like to press the snooze button as much as possible, before dragging myself out of bed and into a warm shower, because I can’t keep warm enough in this cold country in the winter. So, I veered from my norm, by doing this ‘positive action’ each morning! It was well worth missing that extra few minutes of morning snooze time!

What is “The Golden Egg?”

It’s the protective and yet invisible egg with golden, syrupy light that surrounds me, as I go through my day, letting in only the positive influences and keeping out anything irritating, punishing, stressful. In addition, it also allows me to let out my old habits, beliefs and patterns, so in addition to the protection from the outside world, neither will I do myself any harm as I go out into the world.

What’s my egg made of?

Actually, I’m very lucky – I was thinking of using some gold eye shadow that I have, but then I spotted this glittery nail polish – and voila! The glittery golden egg was easily added to my watercolor picture! Sometimes, it’s all about finding an easy solution, not having to go downstairs and dig into my acrylic paints and find a paint brush, use it, wash out the paint brush, etc. Someone reminded me today of something that Bill Gates once said:bill gates

The Golden Egg has been my survival mechanism this week.

And being ‘lazy’ – or allowing myself to do a ‘good enough job.’ And it’s worked! Yay! Thank you Happy Goddessa! I’m happy to have you as a positive influence in my life! (And Billy of course, too! – meme taken from: https://me.me/)

Encouraged by the Sun

sunshineIt’s no wonder our ancestors worshipped the sun gods. I do too, now!

Woke up encouraged, though it took a while to fall asleep.
The sounds of the meditation didn’t do the trick, I thought.
But waking up, even in the darkness of the ‘dawn’
I felt, okay. I felt good enough. Even quite ‘well,’
And listened obediently to a morning meditation
Where I am filled with golden light,
Encompassed in a golden eggshell.
I got out of bed, smiling.
Smiling!
I didn’t feel exhausted.
For a change.
I put on my power suit
and I’m going to work.
I can do this,
Today.

PS. Thank you, sun!

Bring it on!

bed stand

Is it already 2019? How do the years jump past so fast?
Is this a poem or a post?
Is my brain on overdrive or overwork?
Will the sound of a train in the distance elicit sweet memories or trauma?

Everything is questionable.
Nothing is certain.
I woke up this morning to a sweet sensation of connection
And peacefulness.
And immediately questioned how long that would last.
I had dreams upon dreams
But they all slipped away.

I called the therapist
But she doesn’t have time
Yet
And the Company Doctor
can see me on Friday, is that a small yay?

One minute I think ‘all is fine, I can do this’
Next minute I’m choked up and my brain is buzzing.
My ears are warm
My heart is pumping
My eyes are blurring – it could be the contacts – they should be changed soon.

I read through my inbox just now.
Searching desperately for word from the Happy Goddessa who promises me that in 21 days I’ll have positive change. But her email isn’t here, and I don’t know
if I have the energy to fix her bugs.
I can hardly fix my own.

The meditation for sleep last night worked wonders
Along with the purple sleeping pill
And my newly decorated bed stand.
And no TV time, for a change.
No binging.
Just reading.
Helping myself to get to a good place.

What’s wrong with you, Audrey?
That gremlin shouts.
Just do what you have to.
Have to
Should
Need to
They are suffocating me – all these obligations.
I have an overpowering need to break free
To do something completely different
For a change.

But it’s so stormy outside,
I don’t dare face the weather.
I turn up the heat and drink tea
And coffee
And a smoothie
And think about going out.
And I do some of what I have to do.
I read my mails.
Most of my mails.
Some I ignore.
Some I can’t handle.
Thankfully, the battery on my laptop dies. It’s a respite.

There are too many questions.
Too many people with too many needs
Requests, more obligations.
Things to do.
They can carry me under
Like the undertow
On a sunny day,
When you think that
All is fine
And go out for a swim
In the warm, calm waters
But then…

Can’t return to shore, no matter how hard you try
Can’t shout because no one is listening.
Or if they hear you, they don’t understand what the problem is.
After all, you’re a great swimmer, aren’t you?

The chest is achy. Not the chest. It’s mine.
My chest. There’s a brick on top of it.
I’m stuffed with stuffing.
I’m a turkey roast
But not as tasty.

Turkey roasts just wait to be roasted
And carved
And eaten.
I hate waiting, so that can’t be me.

Crisis occurs when things need to change.
Okay, I’m ready.
Here I am.
Bring

            it

                   on.

I’m not going to (or anywhere near) Nashville*

On Leadership and Vulnerability

Rebel or Leader? Or just me?
Finding my place in the world – Image by Audrey Weinberg #watercolor

On Dr. Phil, I recently saw Tim, a young man who had been convicted of domestic battery, (following a complaint by his mother to the police), say, “No, I don’t want to go to Nashville.” In Nashville, there is a center where he could get ‘free’ coaching, (paid for by Dr. Phil), to learn to let go of his anger against his mother, focus on the ‘here and now’ and finally begin to move forward with his life.

Why do I find it so hard to get the help I need?
(and: Am I the only one who feels this way?)

I don’t have issues with my mother, and I haven’t ever been convicted of battery – domestic or otherwise – but still I bring this up now because when I asked my husband – what I should write about, he said: “Write about your issues with your work and what’s bothering you.” Then he added, jokingly, “I’m also going to offer you coaching… in Nashville,” my immediate response was a feisty: “I’m not going to Nashville.”

When did all this start?

I am wondering when this all began, and it’s hard to pinpoint the actual moment. Three years ago I developed a frozen shoulder, which all the physiotherapists and doctors agreed was connected to stress. For years, my dentist has been warning me about my ‘bad grinding habit’ and how it’s ruining my teeth. “Do you have stress?” He asks me, every time I meet him, about once every half a year, or more often, when my teeth crumble under the pressure and I need emergency care.

However, if I step back, and look at my life, I see an almost picture perfect view of what a woman my age should expect from her life. (By the way, how much do I hate the phrase I just used “a woman my age?” ARGH) My husband of now three years is caring, understanding and funny. He’s there for me. My two ‘kids,’ who are, by now, young adults, are both in University and doing very well; well-adjusted and healthy. I have a job I love, a couple of them, in fact: lecturing at University, Coordinating the Personal Development first year modules, and also work asa Life Coach/Therapist. (Big shout out to all the ‘Wounded Healers’ out there).

Interruptions: I can’t take them

As I write this, my son of 18 has woken up in the room next to mine. He is playing his music at full blast as he gets up, showers and gets ready to go downstairs. I say loudly, through my closed door and his, “Turn down the music.”

No real response. As he moves around, he keeps his music on loud, singing along to it. I have my soft ‘Concentration Music’ playlist on as I write. I try to ignore his music until I cannot bear it any longer and I shout out to him through the closed door, “Dai Kvar!” which in Hebrew means “Enough already!”

And now my life is not picture perfect anymore and I feel angry and stressed. My heart is pounding in my chest and I want to go over and become a battering mother. I wonder why this smart, wise, confident young man I raised can’t be considerate enough to use the earphones he has, or lower his music? I take in a few deep breaths and decide to go out and talk to him.

What happens when I ask (properly) for what I need?

I’m back.

  • Apparently, he didn’t even hear my shout of “Enough already.”
  • He didn’t know I was in the room next to his, writing.
  • He didn’t hear my calming music, (as his was far too loud).

But now that he does know, he has shut off his music and is taking his shower quietly.

‘It’s all about communicating your needs,’ a voice in my head tells me, and I feel like crying.

This is a perfect example of how I am experiencing many things in life right now.

I expect things to happen in a certain way, but when they don’t, I get extremely irritated, frustrated and I lash out. Then, whoever is on the receiving end of my anger is totally confused and wondering – “Now where the heck did that come from?”

What are boundaries and how do I get them?

Funny that I thought I wasdone being a people-pleaser years ago. But once that is ingrained in you from an early age, let’s say, about age 1.5 when I was toilet trained, or 2 when my mother had an emergency operation and I was left with an aunt I didn’t know very well, or when my parents took in a foster child when I was about 2.5 and this foster baby cried night and day due to a lactose allergy, well perhaps it’s not easy to let go and claim ‘my place’ in the world.

Maybe having such young parents – 21 and 22 – when I was born had an influence on who I became. Maybe it’s Dr. Spock’s fault, and I know he has since revised his message to young parents, but still, the damage is done, and here I am, unable to focus on what I want or need, only to feel the intense anger, frustration and irritation of everything that doesn’t feel right to me. I’m a better rebel than a leader.

Let me repeat that for emphasis because it sounds so right.

I am a better rebel than a leader.

Good insight, Audrey. Well done. (very faint smile).

Now, the next question is whether to fight that or embrace it? Do I want to use my strengths as a rebel? Be a fighter, a subversive, one to always swim against the current? I’m a good swimmer, too, so don’t worry about that!

Or do I want to slowly begin the uphill climb to tell my small rebel self that its work is done (thank you for your help in surviving up to now) and now focus on becoming a leader, which involves setting my expectations and boundaries clearly from the beginning?

(I still think I’m a better swimmer than a hiker, but in the Northern countries, where I now reside, the water is just too damn cold!)

And, rereading this, I realize that I have just set up myself for two difficult options: Rebel (swim against the current) or Lead (climb the damn hill). What if I don’t choose either and I just ‘am’? Is that an option, I ask myself? At least for now? Or is there something in me that always searches for that extra challenge?

Let me just end this with two Louise Hay-type affirmations of my own:

  • I set my expectations and boundaries clearly to those around me.
  • I knowingly decide what I want to be, do and accomplish in my own proactive and creative way.

 

*P.S. Today in the Dutch news there is an article about a “Nashville declaration,” signed by some very conservative politicians in the Netherlands, against gay rights. I am definitely NOT on that side of the fence…!

Breakthrough: Dreaming my way to Loving my Life

trout-71279_1280
Exactly what the fish looked like in my dream – delicious-looking, right?

Do you dream? Of course you do! Some people remember their dreams, but others never do.  A good way to remember your dreams, if you want to, is to keep a notebook next to your bed, and to write down anything that comes to mind BEFORE getting out of bed!

In this blog, I discuss two very similar dreams that I had – only a few weeks apart. But while the first shows the despair of being ‘lost’, the second has a more positive direction.

The first dream: Lost in the Highlands

The first dream happened a few weeks ago. I’d been reading Voyager, and so it was no surprise that my dream took place somewhere in Scotland. When I tweeted about my dream, @lidywilks suggested that “Lost in the Highlands” would make a great working title for a new novel. Since I’ve never been there, I guess I’ll have to leave that up to Diana Gabaldon for now!

In this dream, (not yet a novel), I was hiking in the countryside, in Scotland, on a beautiful green hilly path, when I realized that I could not find my way back to my husband and friends, seeing as I had no idea where I was and had only a part of a map. If you knew me, you’d understand how much that would drive me crazy. I like to know where I’m going. I know how to read maps, (yup, back from the boat days), and I hate to get lost.

In my non-dream life: Ultra stressed at work – spilling into home life as well

Like humans all over the work world, I too get super stressed when there are deadlines looming, and too much responsibility piling up on my shoulders. I’d been ‘promoted’ with more hours and more responsibility, but had yet to learn how to delegate tasks or ask for help. It wasn’t an easy time. Who likes to ask for directions when you’re lost?

The second dream: Fishing in the Highlands

Continue reading “Breakthrough: Dreaming my way to Loving my Life”